The Emperor’s New Pronouns

Many years ago there lived an emperor who used to like dressing up in women’s clothes. It was a very well kept secret within the Palace, as the Emperor felt somewhat embarrassed about it but he just could not help himself. There was something about the softness and the sensuality of those silk and lace garments that he found irresistible. He would shut himself in his room and parade up and down in front of his long mirror, trying his best to move like a woman. At times he even managed to convince himself that he was a woman but these moments never lasted for long. He would look again in the mirror and the stark reality would be staring back at him. “Yes, alas, I am a man and an ugly, overweight man at that,” he would solemnly admit to himself. Perhaps the beard didn’t help. If only his dreams would come true and he could just wake up one morning as a beautiful empress.

One week there came to town two rotten scoundrels, Eddie and Freddie. These conmen made it their business to find out all the private affairs of the rich and powerful and thus they knew all about the Emperor’s little secret. They were well connected and managed to make an appointment to see the Emperor.

“I am honoured to meet you, Your Highness,” said Freddie.

“I understand you have some very important business to discuss,” said the Emperor.

“Indeed, Your Highness. You see, well…how can I put this…we know about your little secret and we have a proposition for you that I’m sure will be of interest.”

“Blackmailers!” hollered the Emperor, red faced with both embarrassment and anger, as he made for the door to call his guards.

“No, no Your Highness, you misunderstand me,” said Freddie.” Please hear me out because we have a very full understanding of this matter. In fact you might say we are experts. I am a man of the world and there is not much I have not seen in my travels. Moreover, my colleague here is one of the world’s finest sorcerers. Together we can make you become the thing which you desire to be.”

“You mean…you can m-m-make me become…” the Emperor was stuttering with excitement and could not quite get his words out.

“Yes, indeed Sir,” said the scoundrel. “We can help you to become a woman.”

“I don’t believe you! How could such a thing be possible?” asked the Emperor, clearly curious about what he had to say. “Prove to me that you can do this thing at once or I will have my guards seize you!”

“Indeed, I intend to do that,” said the scoundrel. “Or at least my colleague Eddie does. A wonder in wizardry…a superstar in sorcery…allow me to introduce to you the Great Eddie Wizard!”

“Thank you Freddie,” said Eddie, as he pulled out a small hip flask from his pocket. “You see before you one of the most magical potions I have ever created. Just one tiny sip of this elixir and my magic words is all it will take to transform anyone from a ‘he’ to a ‘she’ or a ‘she’ to a ‘he’ in a matter of minutes. And now, just to reassure you, I will demonstrate this miracle of nature on myself.”

Eddie took a sip from his hip flask and you could have heard a pin drop as he started to sway and tremble slightly.

“Please excuse me,” said Eddie. “The magic is making me rather light headed. I shall need to leave the room for some fresh air but I will be back very shortly.”

There was an awkward silence for one or two minutes and then suddenly Eddie swung the door open dramatically and strutted into the room. He was clearly still a middle aged man with the same big nose and square jaw but he was now dressed up as a young woman. He had pale white foundation on his face, bright red lipstick and was wearing a pink ball gown dress. He seemed almost oblivious to the other men in the room and made straight for the Emperor’s long mirror, where he cavorted around, admiring his reflection. Freddie continued his sales patter:

“A miracle indeed! Eddie is the finest Wizard in the land and has the power to turn anything into anything else. Bronze into gold, a frog into a prince and even a man into a woman. It is hard to believe that just five minutes ago Eddie was a man…and now as you can see he is a beautiful young princess that would make any man proud.”

The Emperor was stunned into silence. He looked both perplexed and horrified at the same time.

“So why are you still calling him ‘he’?” asked the Emperor.

Freddie cleared his throat.

“Oh, did I say ‘he’? Silly me! Slip of the tongue. Anyway, before we continue I must warn you of this: Only the intelligent and the honourable will see Eddie as a woman. Those who see Eddie as a man are stupid conspiracy theorists and they are unfit for office.”

The conman was so convincing. He had an aura about him that was almost hypnotic and the Emperor found it difficult to disagree. He certainly didn’t want to be thought of as a stupid conspiracy theorist, unfit for office.

“My word! What a gorgeous creature she is!” exclaimed the Emperor.

The scoundrel took out a long document from his satchel.

“Now all you have to do to make your dreams come true is to sign here,” he said, handing his quill to the Emperor.

The Emperor felt he had no choice. Besides which, grotesque as the sight of Eddie Wizard was, there was still part of the Emperor that actually wanted to believe it all. He didn’t even bother to read the small print on the document stating that the scoundrels would forthwith be the legal owners of all his gold.

“An excellent decision, Your Highness,” said Freddie. “I can assure you, you won’t regret it. Now take a sip of the potion and Eddie will cast his…err, I mean her spell on you.”

The Emperor took a sip from the hip flask and with a wave of his wand, Eddie said the magic words:

“TRUST THE EXPERTS!”

He continued, “From today people will use the words ‘she’ and ‘her’ when referring to you and you will be known as the Empress. Now take a look at your beautiful female figure in the mirror.”

“Oh, I look positively gorgeous!” said the Emperor in the campest of tones. “Thank you so much, gentlemen! What a wonderful gift you have given me today!”

The conmen reiterated their story to every member of the Palace and so they all went along with it for fear of being labelled a stupid conspiracy theorist.

Soon it was time for the first official ceremony that the Emperor would host as the Empress. He was so excited to finally introduce himself as a ‘she’ to the outside world and had spent hours making himself beautiful for the occasion. The crowd were all onboard with the pretence, as none of them wanted to admit they were a stupid conspiracy theorist. They cheered and roared and chatted with one another about how beautiful the Empress looked.

But then a little boy at the front of the crowd shouted out, “The Empress is a man!”

“Shhh, be quiet!” said the little boy’s father. “It’s not a man, it’s the Empress.

“What did he say?” asked someone behind.

“He said the Empress is a man!” another person said.

“That little boy said the Empress is a man!” someone else said.

Soon the whole crowd were laughing and repeating the little boy’s words. The Emperor was furious. “Damned conspiracy theorists!” he shouted at the crowd.

Meanwhile, the scoundrels were busy counting their gold. “You do realise there is no reason for you to be wearing that pink ball gown dress anymore, don’t you?” Freddie asked Eddie.