![\"\"](\"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/06\/mushroom3-300x281.jpg\")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
Malcolm\u2019s wife was worried about him. He hadn\u2019t been the same since he\u2019d had his Equality and Diversity training at the council last year. She wouldn\u2019t have minded so much if he\u2019d come out as gay or bisexual. She was very open-minded and the physical part of their marriage had faded a long time ago, so she wouldn\u2019t have begrudged him a new pastime if it made him happy. Homosexuality might actually get him out of the house a bit more and it\u2019s far less dangerous than hang gliding, which his brother had recently taken up. She could have even handled him going transsexual. Maybe it would raise a few eyebrows amongst the neighbours but at least it would stop him leaving the toilet seat up all the time. But Malcolm\u2019s new found identity was…well, quite odd.<\/p>\n
Malcolm identified as a mushroom…<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just don\u2019t understand, Dear,\u201d protested Malcolm.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat is there to understand? You\u2019ve lost your mind. That\u2019s all there is to it,\u201d Malcolm\u2019s wife said.<\/p>\n
Her harsh words were belying her deep felt concern for her husband of thirty years. She had read \u201cThe man who mistook his wife for a hat\u201d by Oliver Sacks and so she was acutely aware of how a neurological disorder could confuse the human brain. If a man could mistake his wife for a hat then what is to stop him mistaking himself for a mushroom?<\/p>\n
\u201cIt wouldn\u2019t hurt you to have a brain scan just to be on the safe side,\u201d Malcolm\u2019s wife continued.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s just the kind of narrow minded viewpoint that the Equality and Diversity training warned us about!\u201d retorted Malcolm angrily. \u201cFortunately the LGBTQIA+ movement exists to protect minorities from those old fashioned and bigoted ideas,\u201d Malcolm retorted angrily.<\/p>\n
\u201cLGBTQIA+? Since when has LGBTQIA+ represented people who want to be mushrooms?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s what the \u2018plus\u2019 stands for.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe plus stands for mushrooms? You\u2019re clearly off your head!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot mushrooms specifically \u2013 just other identities.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOther sexual<\/em> identities! Mushrooms do not have a sex life.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not just about sex. Most trans people aren\u2019t sexually active anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSomehow that doesn\u2019t surprise me.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou just don\u2019t understand! I may have the body of a man but I feel like a mushroom inside.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019ve certainly got the brain of a mushroom.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThere you go again \u2013 trying to ridicule me for how I feel about myself.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cEven if mushrooms had feelings, which clearly they don\u2019t, how on earth could you know how they feel?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI know because I am a mushroom.\u201d<\/p>\n Malcolm\u2019s circular reasoning could not be argued with and his wife was completely losing patience. She stormed out of the room in disgust.<\/p>\n To be fair, Malcolm was beginning to look a little like a mushroom. He had been spending several hours a day down in the cellar and the lack of sunlight was making his skin turn a kind of whitish-grey. He felt more at home in the dark, breathing in that musty air that can only be experienced in damp buildings and basements. His hair was quite grey too but it was still very thick for a man of fifty-five and he had recently had a perm, much to his wife\u2019s horror. Unsurprisingly, it didn\u2019t help when he explained to her that it was to make his head seem bigger so he looked more like a mushroom.<\/p>\n Malcolm opened the cellar door and trundled dejectedly down the steps to stand in his favourite corner. He would have sat down but he had given up sitting as he felt it was an inappropriate thing for a mushroom to do. This had caused quite a kerfuffle with regards to his desk job at the council. He had brought up the issue with the Equality, Diversity and Inclusion officer who took it to the Personnel In Safe Spaces (PISS) team and they in turn collaborated with the Transitioning Action Knowledge and Education (TAKE) team. PISS-TAKE decided to hire an expert in species dysphoria who, at the end of her two month contract, came up with the brilliant idea of raising Malcolm\u2019s desk a few inches. Standing for such long hours was beginning to take its toll though. Malcolm\u2019s varicose veins were worsening and his legs seemed to permanently ache. It wasn\u2019t easy being a mushroom.<\/p>\n Malcolm had always felt like an outsider but in joining the LGBTQIA+ community he thought he had finally found a place where he belonged. No-one had waved their rainbow flag with more pride and vigour than Malcolm had but now there were little doubts beginning to creep into his head. There was indeed something he found very uplifting about a community of misfits clubbing together to change people\u2019s perception about things but as a mushroom he wasn\u2019t sure if the rest of the community took him seriously. He was the misfit amongst misfits. Perhaps he wouldn\u2019t have been so out on a limb if he had become a homosexual instead of a mushroom but that just wasn\u2019t Malcolm\u2019s cup of tea. In fact, even though Malcolm could recite all of the one hundred and seven different genders he wasn\u2019t particularly interested in having sex with any of them. As for becoming a trans-woman, although very supportive of it in principle, he felt dressing up as a woman to be a little too glamorous and showbizzy for him personally. Becoming a furry was another option he considered but he just wasn\u2019t physical enough to be running around like a dog all day or leaping on top of things like a cat. But being a mushroom seemed to suit his personality. It was the obvious choice for him. What if his wife was right though? What if he was just deluded?<\/p>\n Malcolm\u2019s cognitive dissonance was completely tearing him apart. His self esteem had reached its lowest ebb and he crumbled to the floor in a state of existential angst as tears welled up in his eyes. \u201cI\u2019m pathetic!\u201d He angrily spat the words out at himself. \u201cI\u2019m a failed mushroom!\u201d He lay in a heap on the floor of the damp cellar for what seemed like an eternity considering whether to slit his wrists with a Stanley knife that he had grabbed from his toolbox.<\/p>\n In his state of nervous exhaustion Malcolm momentarily lost consciousness and then, in what can only be described as a religious experience, he opened his eyes to see the most beautiful rainbow forming before them. It only lasted for a brief moment (maybe it was the light playing tricks) but it was the glimmer of hope he needed. \u201cIt\u2019s a sign!\u201d he thought to himself. What did it matter whether he was a mushroom or not? As long as he could see those magical rainbow colours everywhere he walked \u2013 at work, in the supermarket, in the banks, on the television, on buses and on trains \u2013 then he could rest assured that it\u2019s okay to be an individual.<\/p>\n He went upstairs to talk to his wife.<\/p>\n \u201cYou\u2019re right, Dear. I\u2019m not a mushroom,\u201d he said to her, smiling serenely.<\/p>\n Malcolm\u2019s wife was filled with immense relief and joy as she gave him an enormous hug. Malcolm felt a closeness to his wife that he hadn\u2019t felt for years and he was ready to be himself. He was ready to be brave and tell the truth.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m an adult baby,\u201d he said proudly.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Malcolm\u2019s wife was worried about him. He hadn\u2019t been the same since he\u2019d had his Equality and Diversity training at the council last year. She wouldn\u2019t have minded so much if he\u2019d come out as gay or bisexual. She was very open-minded and the physical part of their marriage had faded a long time ago, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-147","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-7"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/147","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=147"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/147\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":150,"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/147\/revisions\/150"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=147"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=147"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/newsubnormal.co.uk\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=147"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}